I'm Not Superwoman

If we're friends on Facebook, you probably already know that Ruby has been having some serious meltdowns lately.  I feel like I am at my wit's end some days.  Yesterday was surely one of those days.  I took her with me to Old Navy because they were having a dress sale, and I wanted a spring dress (even though I already have a dress for Easter) because I have this need to feel like spring really is around the corner.  We have at least another week of winter weather, and that's just depressing.  I have a deep abhorrence for cold weather.  I want to just sleep and eat until it's over.  When spring comes along, I can feel myself get happier and more alive.  Anyway, back to Old Navy.  As soon as we got inside, Ruby started her meltdown.  Nothing I did would soothe her.  I found a few things to try on, and I took her to the dressing room, thinking I could get her to calm down. Nope.  I spent 10 minutes trying to calm her down, during which time I did not get to try on anything.  Finally, we just had to leave.  There was an employee waiting outside the dressing room with a balloon, which Ruby refused, and I sort of brushed past him.  I was really frustrated.  I just wanted to try on a dress. Why can't my child give me that?  We got home only to have more meltdowns over dinner.  At bedtime, we couldn't find the last pacifier we have.  I have been considering weaning her off of the paci, but last night was not that night.  Finally, we found it in the bathtub as I was on the edge of really losing it.  I said some things I regretted and I may even have kicked her little Dora chair.  I had to apologize to Ruby, and I cried as I read her bedtime stories.

Sigh.  I come from a long line of . . .spirited people.  This is clearly something I am going to have to work on.  I don't want to teach Ruby that it's ok to lose her temper.  Since last night, I have been praying for a double portion of patience, that I will be able to control my own emotions even as Ruby isn't able to.  It is really hard for me not to drown myself in guilt when something like this happens.  Why can't I be patient?  I'm the adult!  Some days, I feel like super woman -- working, taking care of Ruby, going to grad school, occasionally working out, managing to keep my apartment in some semblance of order.  But the truth is that the only way I am able to do any of those things is through the strength given to me by God.  Other days, like yesterday when I feel like a huge failure as a mother, I can see God using that to let me know that I really do need him, that without him I am nothing.  That's what I prayed last night.  "God, I literally cannot do this without you.  I need your help!"  I am so grateful that his mercies are new every morning, and that I can work on being patient with Ruby today because yesterday is gone.  I just have to keep moving forward in God's grace and strength.

Aside: My amazing grandmother came over last night after Ruby was asleep so I could go back to Old Navy (hopefully, they didn't remember me), and I got 2 spring dresses and a cardigan. :)